It has been a few days since my last blog. Goddess give me the strength to get through this post. I find myself in a very dark place in my life. I have experienced and episode of discrimination that I never thought possible from a person in a "Professional" capacity. I has an experience with Missoula City Police recently that has left me shaken, broken, and depressed. I was almost arrested for lying to the Police about who I am and what my name is. I was asked by an officer what my name was and I responded with the obvious. The officer then looked at my companion and said, "What is his name?" She replied with my name, "Jame." They refuse to acknowledge my court order changing my name and gender. They referred to me with improper pronouns and used Mr. Wallack. For those of you who don't know, I am on probation, however, I am out to my p.o. and he is supportive. However, they refuse to classify me as my legal name and have it listed as an A.K.A. The officers were rude and the use of "Sir" was completely uncalled for. The whole situation was a misunderstanding and it has since been resolved. What I don't understand is that if I have an order signed by a judge, why is it so difficult for the rest of the system to not follow protocol and change it in their records. I have come to the conclusion that the only solution is to sue the Department of Corrections and request to be let off probation, or go back to a male jail and hope I don't die or get raped too often. I have been told it is the policy of the Department of Corrections that they do not acknowledge a name change of a Trans person. I have to do random urine tests, in front of a MALE probation officer. Do you know how strange it is to sit down and pee in a little cup in front of a guy? That too is policy. If the person is preoperative, then they are treated as the biological sex, regardless of identity or expression.
I have a hard time understanding where people get these ideas. How is this even morally correct. The state of montana is obviously so LGBT-phobic that they cannot see past the end of their own noses to see that we are people too and deserve to be treated with the same respect as everyone else. How can they even think about putting a Trans-female in a male populated jail? Do they not see the risks? I have realized that the "good-ol-boys" of this state are so binary oriented that there may be no hope for the state of Montana being Trans inclusive in every area. I believe that I am very much in need of a place out of state to move to. I can no longer live through the discrimination that I experience from so many areas of my life.
I have also experienced a ton of discrimination in my own home. I am currently going through the nastiest divorce of my life. I wish it would just be a nice civil ending of a marriage, but alas it is not. My ex-partner has and is continuing to do everything in her power to place me in jail simply because I filed for divorce because I am Transgender and we no longer see life the same. We have moved on and evolved as people, as people do. I understand the pain and hurt associated with losing a long term relationship. I feel it every day. However, that is not an excuse to go out of ones way to attempt to "help" by putting someone in jail for not committing a crime. Revenge is an ugly beast that once let loose is an amazingly difficult escapee to wrangle.
This post is more of just some random rants and raves in an attempt to make some sense of all the madness in my life at this juncture. I feel like my head may explode. I just want all the insanity to stop before I end up in the ground or in the looney bin. I feel like this whole transition may have been more of a mistake and I would have been better off as an alcoholic male who let his spouse control every aspect of his life. I don't really know any more. I am sure some of this banter will concern most, anger a few, and upset others. I do apologize for any triggers I inadvertently placed in this rant. Until the next time, adieu.
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