Sunday, January 31, 2016

Reintroductions and Updates

Greetings to my followers and friends,

It has been almost a year since my last post and it has been a whirlwind of a year for sure.  The challenges that I have faced have been nothing short of infuriating.  I have questioned myself, my transition, my partner, my family, my life.  I have contemplated both sides of every situation and have come to the conclusion that falling into the same demographic that so many of my Trans* brothers and sisters fall into and succumbing to suicide is not going to get me to the point in my life that I have to be at.  What a final decision to a temporary problem.  I refuse to admit defeat and become yet another statistic for everyone to forget about.  I have always wanted to make a difference in this world which my prior self took so much away from.  I may never be able to right all of his wrongs but I can look towards the future and find a path that will assist myself and other like me in being the very best person and human being that they can be.  I want to encourage, invigorate, and challenge not only myself but those around me in a positive way.  The best piece of advice that I was ever given was by a case manager.  He told me, "You can't be good for anyone else, if your not good with yourself."  Truer words were never spoken.

This quote has haunted my days and nights since I heard it.  How can I ever truly be good with myself?  I despise my body, so in an effort to combat that negative self image, I flaunt it.  I am openly poly amorous, pan-sexual, and sexually active.  I have many things that help me to feel better about my body, most of which involve photography, video, and all manner of "activities" which shall remain private.  It has helped, but never has been a cure.  So again, how can I be good with myself when my body image controls my self esteem?  I have always prided myself on be aware.  Aware of my surroundings, aware of my actions, aware of my thoughts, and overly aware of myself.  This negative self image I have been aware of and fight daily.  It never gets easier, it never goes away, and I really never feel better about myself.  Some say that I just need to be OK with the things I hate about my body, however, I challenge anyone who is perpetually trapped in the wrong body to not have a memory somewhere in their memory banks of crying in the shower because their own body simply disgusts them.  So, revert to original question.  How can I be good for anyone else if I am truly not good with myself?

The answer to this nagging question is simply this, I CANNOT be good for anyone else if I am not good with myself.  I cannot be a good partner, parent, friend, or person to others if every day of my life is spent attempting to convince myself that I am OK with being who I am.  Contemplating bodily harm, being drowned in emotional and mental discord, and generally hating myself is no way to create and maintain any for of a relationship. so with this said, how do I become good with myself.  All the therapy in the world only seems to make my self loathing grow deeper.  Talking about it with friends, well, they may understand, but who truly has friends who can understand what the other is going through.  We are all unique as humans, are we not?  Be good with oneself.  What a concept.  I hate myself.  My entire life I have been overly sexually active, an alcoholic, a drug abuser, a party hound, a criminal you might say.  What do I really have to be proud of?  I lie, cheat, and do what I want when I want.  So again, what about me is worth being good with?  After hours and hours of thought, nights of depression and tears, I think I have an idea, small may it be.  What I am supposed to be good with is the few, small and seemingly insignificant good things all wrapped up into one.  The rest of society may say I am a puke and worthless, but in reality, I'm worth far more than they give me credit for.  I am kind, loving, compassionate, loyal, assertive, brave, honest, and above all else, I put other people before myself.  Somehow, I keep getting told that I am not all these things, or that they are not enough to raise a family.  I beg to differ, aren't these the things the original founding fathers of our county were building it with?  Think about this, if it came down to you, whoever you are reading this, putting food in your child's mouth, a roof over their head, and clothes on their back, or taking the risk of entering into a criminal enterprise to make the money to provide for your family, what would you do?  Sell drugs, steal a car, or whatever, or feed your kids?  Honestly, I'd do whatever it took to take care of my kids, regardless of what anyone's personal opinion of me or how I do it is.  Yes, I may be creating victims but who doesn't really do that every day anyway?  The guy that cut you off in traffic today who you flipped the bird?  Yup, that is right, he is your victim.  A victim is a victim, doesn't matter the magnitude of the crime.  Prostitution and thievery are the oldest and most lucrative businesses on the planet yet they are illegal.  WTF??  So its OK for my bank to jack my money by charging outrageous fees but its not OK for me to steal the owner of the banks car as repayment.  Wow, guess the Christian, no offense to those who are, belief of an eye for and eye and a tooth for a tooth in the Old Testament is out the window.  Yet another example is, its perfectly acceptable for a man to buy a Playboy at the gas station and use if for whatever means he wants, but it is unacceptable for man/woman/trans to participate in making pornography.  Either they are a whore, man-whore, cheater, skank, slut, and dozens of other slurs.  Who are we to judge another human being for their choices in life?  So long as they are happy, we have no right to judge.  Another Christian piece of the Bible, "Let he who be without sin, cast the first stone."

However, I digress, the original intent here was to be good with oneself, was it not?  So how do we do that when we live in a society that spends the large part of its day telling us that we are worthless unless we live up to somebody elses preconceived notion of right and wrong?  That is the challenge I face every day.  I suppose that the only thing I can do is relax, accept my faults, strive to be better, relish my good qualities, and learn from my mistakes.  If that isn't enough for others, well, screw them.  If it's good enough for me, then it should be good enough for them.  I control my fate, I control my life.  I have to be good inside, even if all anyone ever sees is the outside.