Sexual Openness Requires Open-Mindedness

Sometimes it truly amazes me at the sheer archaic attitude of the world.  Now, I am not the most worldly person on the planet.  I am not the smartest, or funniest, or hottest.  However, I will say that I am the "oddest."  I know that I have a belief system that is about as unique as they come.  I have different beliefs depending on the situation.  I will change my beliefs to fit the situation as well.  I am open-minded enough to understand that every experience in life is able to be translated differently depending on the facts of that situation.  I believe that too many people in our world allow there initial opinion or experience with any topic to be the be all end all of the entire situation.

Somehow there seems to be this movement where people believe that Trans people are whores because many of us are in relationships, yet post pictures of our naked or scantily clad bodies on social media websites such as Facebook, Fetlife, Skype, etc.  Let me ask you this.  How in the hell does posting pictures, or sharing photos (nudity or not) an act of betrayal towards someone in the relationship?  To further explain what I mean I will have to use an experience from my past. (names omitted)

I have been accused by almost every partner of being unfaithful because of sex related issues.  Flirting, naked pictures, and anything sexual in nature is cheating I am told.  I understand the concept of emotional cheating.  This would require, just like any other relationship, time, effort, and a desire or intent to have an intimate relationship.  However, I have to take a stance of opposition to the concept that posting a naked picture in order to share the beauty of my human body with whomever I want really amount to nothing more than participating in free pornography.  I have recently began taking "selfies" and provocative pictures of myself in an effort to boost my confidence in my body.  Being a transfemale, this is a crucial aspect of my transition.  I am a pre-operative transgender female and I am obviously NOT comfortable with my body.  However, I have found that sharing my body via the internet has been very empowering and has boosted my confidence to heights that I have never experienced before.  I still have issues and I probably always will until that faithful day that I am able to wake up after surgery.  That should not prevent me from doing whatever it takes to keep myself out of the bathroom with a razor blade attempting to do self surgery.  We all have different ways of coping with our emotions and bodies, both cisgender and transgender alike.  I do have to say that there is nothing to be ashamed of in the human body, however, most people have some element of insecurity when it comes time to take their clothes off.  Why this is, who knows.  It is different for every person.

However, I am coming to the rescue and taking a stance behind anyone who has every posted or shared with a friend a naked picture in an effort to boost self confidence.  I am standing with all the sex workers of the world and say you are no different than any other small business owner in the United States.  Many people say that these types of people are whores and they have no self respect.  Maybe they are right in some cases.  However, that type of gross stereotype is the same belief system that is keeping the world at war.  Its a reason that the suicide rate in the Trans community is at 41%.  Its why so many people, trans and Cis alike, are killed, assaulted, and raped every year.  I believe that there will never be true peace in our country until these types of stereotypes are abolished.

So now we really get down to me getting on my soap box.  I am so completely sick and tired of the stereotypes in the world.  I am tired of those individuals who claim that their personal problems are so significant that it forces them to neglect and abuse those around them.  How is "I am dealing with so many emotional problems that I can't be intimate with you because it would be to emotional," an excuse.  This is the most asinine thing I have every heard.  I understand the boundaries of a monogamous relationship, however, I also understand that if one partner is neglecting the physical needs and desires of the other for any reason, finding out that the other partner has turned into an exhibitionist and wants to show off their naked body to others shouldn't be a surprise or unexpected.  There should also not be any problems with it.  Flirting isn't cheating.  Being a sexual exhibitionist doesn't make someone a whore or unfaithful.  It means that those of us who enjoy the attention that this "potentially immoral" behavior creates, want that type of attention from the person we are attracted to the most, i.e. their partner.  However, if this attention is neglected then obviously there has to be another venue for the attention sought.  Everyone has their own venue.  I like people to want me with the understanding that they are never gonna get into my pants but they are still willing to give me the attention or the compliments rather, that I am refused in other aspects of my life.

Ok, enough of the soap box.  In the real world, cheating requires two consenting adults, where one ore both are being unfaithful to a partner via emotional intent, sexual relations, or sexual activity.  This can and does include cyber sex.  However, sending a naked picture to a friend or innocently flirting with the hot guy/girl at the coffee shop isn't considered cheating.  Being friendly, being a tease, leading people on, playing games with people's heads, and maybe even attempting to create a little jealousy in order to get some attention from a partner it may or may not be.  However, its not cheating until the act and the intent is there at the same time.  I guess the way I will end this is with this thought from grade school; "I want attention.  I am not getting any positive attention or the attention I want.  Well, negative attention is better than no attention.  At least they are focused on me."  Self centered, I know I know.  So what?  Sometimes, those of us in the world need to be a little selfish in order to make sure we are ok on the inside.  If we are not  ok with ourselves on the inside and outside, then we can't be ok for anyone else.  If we are emotionally in bad repair, then we can't repair anyone else.

The Current Fight

I know I am not very good at keeping up with posting in this.  College classes have a tendency to keep me busy.  I haven't really had much to write about cause I have been spending a lot of time working on myself.  I am writing now cause I can feel my mind getting to that point of swell that would make me have an aneurysm.  I have finally gotten my hormones in order after an insane bought with incredibly high levels of estrogen.  My mind seems to be leveling out.  However, I am in a situation and place in my life that requires attention. 

I have suffered from major panic attacks due to high anxiety and being clinically depressed.  I am having them daily, but most seem to be manageable.  There have been many instances where I have not been able to contain myself and have needed assistance.  This appears to be a common trend, not just among many individuals world wide, but in the Transgender community as well.  I have only one piece of advice for anyone who suffers from these episodes.  Always make sure to have anything that you know will help calm your mind readily available.  I have found that music and art are excellent forms of calming energy.  Once I am calm, I find keeping a journal is very effective in mapping my triggers and other causes of panic.  I have spent much of my time handling my depression and panic episodes via razor blades and self mutilation.  I have to fight the urge to pull the thin metal through my legs skin every time I get down.  However, I have been able to myself from acting on those impulses.

I have always been very effective at keeping my emotions in check and never had an issues covering up how I really felt.  The last year of my transition has been very good and very bad.  I almost succeeded in committing suicide, I have major scars from self harm, and I have shed millions of tears.  The influx/out-flux of hormones, the biological changes, the mental/emotional changes, and every single instance of "that time of the month" have hit me like a ton of proverbial bricks.  I have had to reach into the depths of my spiritual beliefs in order to draw the strength I require to keep moving forward.  Every spell I cast draws me farther down a road of spiritual development that makes me more in touch with the female/temptress/witch that I am.  It does help me.  In essence, I have finally found the beginnings of the true woman that has been hiding in my heart.  I am submissive, respectfully bratty, I require care, nuturing, and love.  I need to feel like a woman and to continue to find myself.  The male in me died.  The last remaining aspects of maleness I have are strictly physical. 

Now we can talk about what this journey has done for my dysphoric self image.  It really has done wonders.  I don't even see the "old" me when looking in the mirror.  I see a strong, confident, and extremely sexy woman, albeit troubled and dark on the inside.  I have days when just taking off my clothes and taking a shower proves to be a daunting task.  I think anyone who goes through this change goes through similar experiences.  How have I dealt with it?  Lots and lots of tears.  What is the best way to deal with it?  If someone knows the answer to that question, please let me know.  This will not keep me from fighting the good fight.  I want this more than anything else in the world.  I would sacrifice everything short of the change and my family to be able to have this "physical" change be done and over with. 

Here we are again, the ramblings of a transgender woman.  I suppose these help more than lots of other options.  I hope you all enjoy.  Don't forget, you can follow my blogs and comment.  I have a stat tracker that lets me know tons of info about how many people check out this blog.  It has gotten good reviews thus far and I have had well over 100 views and a few followers since I started this in December 2014.  Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and listen.  Peace, love, unity, respect.