Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Emotions Aplenty

So here I am again.  I have spent so many hours as of late just thinking about the future and what it will bring.  Mind you I am a very spiritual person and have been practicing Wicca for 14 years so my belief system is one of faith, hope and renewal.  It is very hard to see the forest through the trees when there are so many trees to see through.  I feel I have come to a turning point in my life that has a simple choice to make.  I have a fork in the road.  All I have to do is choose a direction.  However, I usually have some form of an indication of the path I am supposed to take.  This time there are no road signs, no lights, no nothing.  I stand looking at two paths that are seemingly identical if it were not for the simple distinguishing fact that they obviously go in different directions.  However, they could merge into one at some point in the future.  How can I know the outcome or where the path will lead me?  I never can, I can only glimpse into the future.  Which road will take me to what I have seen I have no idea.  I can only hope that I make the right decision.  I don't know if I can do that.  Fear rules so many parts of my life.  I give so many people hope but cannot seem to find wisdom in my own words for my own life.  I sit here and write to anyone who reads, in the hopes that it will help me make sense of the insanity I see in the world around me.  I cry like I have never cried before and nothing gets solved.  I learned that I cannot be good for anyone else if I am not OK with myself first.  I was OK with myself at one point in my life.  Now, I second guess myself and question everything I have done.

I suppose now it is time to shift gears and get to the nuts and bolts of what I am talking about.  The major point I am getting at is how one deal's with losing someone that you love.  It has been said that if you love someone that you love them enough to let them go.  As cliche as that sounds I do find it to hold very true.  I have lost someone who was my whole world.  We had a very difficult relationship riddled with some of the hardest experiences any couple would have to go through.  What relationship doesn't have issues.  However, dealing with those problems is what really defines that relationship and makes the both of you better people for yourselves, each other, children (if there are any), and both people's friends.  My ex and I overcame amazing things in our 6 years together and reflecting on the past makes me smile.  Strangely, those smiles are not always smiles of joy.  It was very difficult.  The burning question I have is "how does one move on with their life when such a large piece of their heart is no longer there?"  I say to you, whoever you are, if you have an answer to this question outside of what the "norm" would be, something that is a guarantee, please share and then patent it.  You will be a millionaire.

This time of the year is difficult for all of us who don't have a family to spend it with.  It is a horrible time of the year to be enduring any type of emotional distress.  I speak from personal experience here and what I live through every day.  I have found comfort in just not allowing myself to be alone for too many hours of the day.  I do not advocate for going to bars and being irresponsible, however, at this emotional time of year, community is something that makes all the bad thoughts, feelings, emotions and actions at bay.  Even if it is only for a few hours.  Find people, be with them, find something to be joyful about even if you are in the pits of despair.  Doing so may mean the difference between life and death or night and day. 

In closing I suppose these are parts of life that we all face and how we deal with them is our own.  We all face tribulations throughout our journey in this vessel that make or break us.  Many times we have that "sink or swim" experience that seems like their is no way we can survive.  How can one survive if they don't know how to swim?  I suppose the best way for me is to not panic.  Emotions come and go like the wind and dealing with them is never easy.  However, a strong person once told me that emotions are what we are made of and ignoring them makes us cold and bitter to the world around us.  I have ignored mine for so long that now dealing with them and just feeling them seems taboo.  I may not be able to see the correct path in front of my.  I may not be willing to take the risk of just choosing one and seeing where it goes.  I do know this.  I will die someday, it may be tomorrow.  It may be 50 years from now.  Until that day comes, as difficult as it may be, I have to keep fighting.  I have to find positive ways to deal with the onslaught of depression and emotions that drive me to physically hurt myself and mentally/emotionally hurt those around me.  How do I stop my pain from creating pain in the lives of others?  That is a question I do not know the answer too.  When I figure that out, all of you will be the first to know.  I love all of my readers and followers and hope and wish you all the best.  Until next time. Peace, Love, Unity, Respect.

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