I know I am not very good at keeping up with posting in this. College classes have a tendency to keep me busy. I haven't really had much to write about cause I have been spending a lot of time working on myself. I am writing now cause I can feel my mind getting to that point of swell that would make me have an aneurysm. I have finally gotten my hormones in order after an insane bought with incredibly high levels of estrogen. My mind seems to be leveling out. However, I am in a situation and place in my life that requires attention.
I have suffered from major panic attacks due to high anxiety and being clinically depressed. I am having them daily, but most seem to be manageable. There have been many instances where I have not been able to contain myself and have needed assistance. This appears to be a common trend, not just among many individuals world wide, but in the Transgender community as well. I have only one piece of advice for anyone who suffers from these episodes. Always make sure to have anything that you know will help calm your mind readily available. I have found that music and art are excellent forms of calming energy. Once I am calm, I find keeping a journal is very effective in mapping my triggers and other causes of panic. I have spent much of my time handling my depression and panic episodes via razor blades and self mutilation. I have to fight the urge to pull the thin metal through my legs skin every time I get down. However, I have been able to myself from acting on those impulses.
I have always been very effective at keeping my emotions in check and never had an issues covering up how I really felt. The last year of my transition has been very good and very bad. I almost succeeded in committing suicide, I have major scars from self harm, and I have shed millions of tears. The influx/out-flux of hormones, the biological changes, the mental/emotional changes, and every single instance of "that time of the month" have hit me like a ton of proverbial bricks. I have had to reach into the depths of my spiritual beliefs in order to draw the strength I require to keep moving forward. Every spell I cast draws me farther down a road of spiritual development that makes me more in touch with the female/temptress/witch that I am. It does help me. In essence, I have finally found the beginnings of the true woman that has been hiding in my heart. I am submissive, respectfully bratty, I require care, nuturing, and love. I need to feel like a woman and to continue to find myself. The male in me died. The last remaining aspects of maleness I have are strictly physical.
Now we can talk about what this journey has done for my dysphoric self image. It really has done wonders. I don't even see the "old" me when looking in the mirror. I see a strong, confident, and extremely sexy woman, albeit troubled and dark on the inside. I have days when just taking off my clothes and taking a shower proves to be a daunting task. I think anyone who goes through this change goes through similar experiences. How have I dealt with it? Lots and lots of tears. What is the best way to deal with it? If someone knows the answer to that question, please let me know. This will not keep me from fighting the good fight. I want this more than anything else in the world. I would sacrifice everything short of the change and my family to be able to have this "physical" change be done and over with.
Here we are again, the ramblings of a transgender woman. I suppose these help more than lots of other options. I hope you all enjoy. Don't forget, you can follow my blogs and comment. I have a stat tracker that lets me know tons of info about how many people check out this blog. It has gotten good reviews thus far and I have had well over 100 views and a few followers since I started this in December 2014. Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and listen. Peace, love, unity, respect.
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